You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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