when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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