don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
