maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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