I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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