guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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