I feel like abortions should bother me more
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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