the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
