woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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