I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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