My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize