True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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