Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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