How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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