I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
