He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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