i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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