Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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