At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I forget how to act sober
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
