dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
