remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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