SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize