the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
this is an emotional support booty call
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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