I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
