piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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