What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
