I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
