Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And then he peed in my hair
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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