the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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