Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
