Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
