As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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