Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
