I feel great
I just peed on a car
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize