If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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