Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize