there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
being pregnant is like rehab
Found the puke drawer
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
