Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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