dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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