I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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