There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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