I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize