Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
