508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
