Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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