I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
