i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
