The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Someone signed my nipple.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
