I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
