If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
