I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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