Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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