Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
