hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
