I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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