We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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