Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
