If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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