i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
