She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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