I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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