Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
