dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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